Health by Heidi

  Grief is the puppet master orchestrating the entrances and exits of the party guests.   "Infinite Sadness and Despair, enter stage left.  Anger and Rage, storm up the front.  Anxiety, slither in from the right.  Let's get her surrounded."   Grief ripped my heart out of my chest and repeatedly dragged it back and forth through a broken plate-glass window, tearing my heart to shreds and leaving it in a bloody mess on the floor.  And then, quietly, Grief nodded.  Gratitude appeared, picked up the pieces of my heart, and mended them.  Joy and Peace filed the sharp glass, softening the edges so the hole wasn't so sharp.   There are pivotal moments in life, moments that monumentally alter the trajectory.  When I met Scott, my world shifted.  I knew my life was forever changed in that moment.  I learned and grew and loved and was loved in ways I never thought possible.  When Scott died, my world shattered in...

  "River time," Lisa said with a smile. "River time!" I repeated as I settled onto the sand for our morning meditation.   "River time.  How do we carry river time with us into our daily routines when we get back home? That's the morning meditation today," Lisa explained as she took a seat on the sand. Shannon and Brett followed suit, and the meditation began. River time is magic time.  There is no agenda, no hurry, no stress.  We only have to get from point A to point B in the course of each day.  We are immersed in nature for days, eating, drinking, sleeping outside.  Of course, I found Levity on this trip.  Of course, Joy and Acceptance and Gratitude and Peace arrived.  They had space to arrive.  Simplicity allows for Clarity, and the river is nothing but simple. Could I hold on to my new party guests when I returned to the real world? Heidi, this is reality,  I reminded myself.  Yes, but it's a much simpler form of real...

  Today was our last full day on the river.  The previous night, I asked if anyone had any thoughts for our meditation today.  No one offered anything, and as we sat quietly contemplating, Peace floated up next to me and smiled.   Peace?  I thought.  Really?  Peace?  Can it be possible that Peace is here?  I inhaled slowly, closed my eyes, exhaled slowly.  Yes.  I realized for the first time in two months that I felt Peace.   "I have our meditation for tomorrow," I said, opening my eyes.  I smiled.  "But I will tell you in the morning." The last full day on the river promised to be a stunning one.  Once again, there was not a cloud in the sky.  We had a slight down-canyon wind, which is unheard of on the Main.  The air was cool and crisp but promised to warm quickly once the sun touched the canyon floor. After we loaded the boats, we all settled on the sand. "So," asked Lisa.  "What's our...

  "Forgiveness," Brett said softly. I inhaled slowly, exhaled.  "Forgiveness," I repeated.   "Forgiveness," Shannon murmured.  "Oof.  That's a heavy one." "Forgiveness of others or forgiveness of ourselves?" Lisa asked. Brett smiled.  "Yes." Our meditation intention had been chosen. As we settled on the beach that morning, I felt the sand calling me down into it, so I lay on my back and stared at the sky.   Forgiveness.    In the aftermath of THAT DAY, I had a few people ask me if I felt guilt at all, if I felt there was something I could have done or should have done or wished I would have done.  No.  The answer was always no.  Scott and I always, every night for as long as I remember, hugged goodnight and exchanged "I love you."  It was always intentional and heartfelt.  That last night was no different.  We had a great evening together, just hanging out and enjoying each other's company.  We wat...

  During dinner the previous evening, I asked if anyone had a suggestion for today's meditation.  I can't remember who said it first, but three of us all had the idea of Gratitude in our minds.  Gratitude it is. I have been chasing Gratitude for weeks.  She wanted to stay, but kept getting crowded out by all the other party guests.  Manic and Rage, Infinite Sadness, Despair, and Anxiety are all much louder and insistent.  Gratitude kept trying.  I hoped, as we settled on Gratitude, that she might become a permanent resident.   Day four on the river was a short day, only ten miles, so we all slept in and had an easy morning.  After breakfast, we walked up the trail to a stunning rock outcropping high above the river that offered majestic views of the canyon in both directions. "Let's do our meditation here," Brett suggested.   It was the perfect spot for Gratitude to arrive.  We each found a spot on the rocks and settled in...