Gratitude

 

During dinner the previous evening, I asked if anyone had a suggestion for today's meditation.  I can't remember who said it first, but three of us all had the idea of Gratitude in our minds.  Gratitude it is.

I have been chasing Gratitude for weeks.  She wanted to stay, but kept getting crowded out by all the other party guests.  Manic and Rage, Infinite Sadness, Despair, and Anxiety are all much louder and insistent.  Gratitude kept trying.  I hoped, as we settled on Gratitude, that she might become a permanent resident.  

Day four on the river was a short day, only ten miles, so we all slept in and had an easy morning.  After breakfast, we walked up the trail to a stunning rock outcropping high above the river that offered majestic views of the canyon in both directions.

"Let's do our meditation here," Brett suggested.  

It was the perfect spot for Gratitude to arrive.  We each found a spot on the rocks and settled in.  I tried to close my eyes, but today, on this morning, they insisted on being open.  I relented, fixing my gaze on a towering Ponderosa across the river.  The sun felt like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer draped over my shoulders.  I inhaled deeply, breathing in the scents of pine and earth.  

Gratitude.  I have been waiting for you to come and stay with me for a long time.  You've been in and out.  Can you stay now?  This time, can you stay?

I thought about these three wonderful people, Lisa, Brett, and Shannon, who took a monstrous emotional leap of faith in agreeing to come on this trip.  I thought about all the people who dropped their worlds to help me pick up mine.  I felt Gratitude sit down next to me and put her arm around my shoulders.

I'm here, she whispered, and this time I'm not going anywhere.

Tears trickled from the corners of my eyes as I became fully, overwhelmingly enveloped in Gratitude.  I thought I knew Gratitude before THAT DAY.  I thought I knew her well, and I thought I found her often.  But not like this.  On this day, I truly felt Gratitude for the first time in my life.  I felt her squeeze my heart, then allow it to fill and swell.  I felt the dark heaviness fall into the canyon and drift away on the river currents.  Sadness remained, but she moved aside to make space.  

Be present.  Be here.  Feel.  See.  Listen.  Inhale.  Exhale.  This is what it's all about.  This is why we are here.   

I nodded.  My heart was still broken into infinite pieces, and it was also whole again.  Infinite Sadness sat close by, and so did Gratitude.  It was possible, I realized, for them to exist together at the same time.  I smiled as I wiped my tears.  

As a group, we rose from the rocks and made our way back to camp and the boats.  The sun was shining, the air was warm, and the wind was calm.  It was another perfect day on the river, and Gratitude was everywhere.