Skip to main content

Gratitude

 


During dinner the previous evening, I asked if anyone had a suggestion for today's meditation.  I can't remember who said it first, but three of us all had the idea of Gratitude in our minds.  Gratitude it is.

I have been chasing Gratitude for weeks.  She wanted to stay, but kept getting crowded out by all the other party guests.  Manic and Rage, Infinite Sadness, Despair, and Anxiety are all much louder and insistent.  Gratitude kept trying.  I hoped, as we settled on Gratitude, that she might become a permanent resident.  

Day four on the river was a short day, only ten miles, so we all slept in and had an easy morning.  After breakfast, we walked up the trail to a stunning rock outcropping high above the river that offered majestic views of the canyon in both directions.

"Let's do our meditation here," Brett suggested.  

It was the perfect spot for Gratitude to arrive.  We each found a spot on the rocks and settled in.  I tried to close my eyes, but today, on this morning, they insisted on being open.  I relented, fixing my gaze on a towering Ponderosa across the river.  The sun felt like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer draped over my shoulders.  I inhaled deeply, breathing in the scents of pine and earth.  

Gratitude.  I have been waiting for you to come and stay with me for a long time.  You've been in and out.  Can you stay now?  This time, can you stay?

I thought about these three wonderful people, Lisa, Brett, and Shannon, who took a monstrous emotional leap of faith in agreeing to come on this trip.  I thought about all the people who dropped their worlds to help me pick up mine.  I felt Gratitude sit down next to me and put her arm around my shoulders.

I'm here, she whispered, and this time I'm not going anywhere.

Tears trickled from the corners of my eyes as I became fully, overwhelmingly enveloped in Gratitude.  I thought I knew Gratitude before THAT DAY.  I thought I knew her well, and I thought I found her often.  But not like this.  On this day, I truly felt Gratitude for the first time in my life.  I felt her squeeze my heart, then allow it to fill and swell.  I felt the dark heaviness fall into the canyon and drift away on the river currents.  Sadness remained, but she moved aside to make space.  

Be present.  Be here.  Feel.  See.  Listen.  Inhale.  Exhale.  This is what it's all about.  This is why we are here.   

I nodded.  My heart was still broken into infinite pieces, and it was also whole again.  Infinite Sadness sat close by, and so did Gratitude.  It was possible, I realized, for them to exist together at the same time.  I smiled as I wiped my tears.  

As a group, we rose from the rocks and made our way back to camp and the boats.  The sun was shining, the air was warm, and the wind was calm.  It was another perfect day on the river, and Gratitude was everywhere.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Beginning

  "I just need a copy of your insurance card," I heard the office manager say as I walked down the hallway toward the waiting room. "I gave it to them next door.  Can't you get it from them?" a male voice replied. I grimaced as I continued toward the waiting room.  The physical therapy office where I worked was in the same building as an orthopedic surgeon's clinic.  Most people assumed we were the same business.  The office manager had to clarify multiple times a day that we were two separate businesses, and the repetition made her cranky.   As I reached the waiting room, I listened to her icily launch into her speech about how the two businesses were separate and we needed our own copy of the insurance.  I stopped and waited for her to finish, looking at the back of the man standing in front of her window.  He was tall, with broad shoulders, thick hair. and muscular calves.   After the manager finished her tirade, the man shrugged...
Post a Comment
Read more

Spaghetti

  Scott and I had been dating for about a month.  He lived in Darby, and I lived in Lolo, so we usually either met halfway in between for dinner or he would drive to Missoula and meet me somewhere for dinner after work.  One sunny spring Saturday at the end of April, Scott invited me to his house in Darby.   I had not been, and vaguely knew where Darby was.  When he told me he lived in Darby, I thought for a moment, then asked, "That's the place with the candy store, yeah?" That Saturday afternoon, I got in my car and drove to Darby.  As I got further down the valley and closer to his house, I felt my world shift again.  Something about this felt significant, just as it did when we were walking side by side down the hallway.  Something about this felt BIG.   As I pulled into his driveway, he strode out of the house wearing his boyish grin.  When I got out of my car, he wrapped me in a bear hug and lifted me off my feet, and we ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Pull It Out

I gasped.  I knew something was wrong.  I gasped again, forced a slow exhale.  Another gasp.  I couldn't gain traction.  I had to get out of the puddle.  Dimly, my mind realized there was no pain.  Something just felt wrong.  Gasp, forced slow exhale.  I hesitantly reached up and touched my shoulder, where my arm should have connected to my body.  My arm was there, only a few inches lower than it should have been.  Another gasp. We were four and a half miles from the trailhead at the end of a three-day backpacking trip.  It had been a wonderful and challenging journey from the beginning.  The weeks-long hot spell had finally broken, and my two friends, Lisa and Rebecca, and I jumped at the chance to hit the trails for some forest time.  We had four dogs between the three of us, all females.  This was a girls' trip on all accounts.  The forecast called for intermittent rain showers, so we came prepared with r...
Post a Comment
Read more