Health by Heidi

  Well, it's official.  The judge deemed it acceptable that I return to my birth-given last name of Graham.  Yes, I had to go to court.  Yes, I had to appear before a judge.  Shannon and I, along with my attorney (yes, I had an attorney), arrived at the courthouse at the required time.  We entered the courtroom and sat down.  There were four cases before mine.  The first two were attorneys closing estates, and both went quickly.  Two divorces came next, both contentious, one involving a life sentence in prison.  Then it was my turn.  My attorney and I walked to the front of the courtroom and sat down at a table.  This is how it went: "I have the paperwork for the name change, Your Honor," my attorney said as he stood up and walked to the bench, handing the judge the papers.  He then returned to our table and looked at me.  "Are you changing your name to avoid debt?" "No," I replied.   The judge cleared her t...

  "I'm so tired of being sad," I said dully, noticing that I was crying but not having the energy to care.  I was sitting on the couch in my therapist's office, staring at the wall. "What are you sad about?  What feels the biggest right now?" my therapist asked softly. I continued to stare at the wall.  Talking felt like too much.  I felt empty.  I sat quietly for a few moments, working up the strength to find words.  Finally, I took a breath.  "I feel sad about my mom.  I don't know why it's coming up so much now, but there it is," I said flatly.  I shifted my gaze to my therapist.  "I don't have the energy to grieve another thing." My therapist nodded.  "Our brains can only process so much.  You've been in triage for months, dealing with the most important thing at the time..."  She continued to talk, but my mind drifted. I thought back to June of last year, when we got the diagnosis that my mom had dementia.  ...

  I just broke down crying in the car on the way to Hamilton.  That hasn't happened in a while. I pushed "Send" and my text whooshed off to Denise and Lisa.  They both replied almost immediately with a similar version of the same question:  Why?  Did something happen or is it just everything? Life.  Life happened.  Shannon and I were just in Oregon for two weeks.  We attended his son, Clayton's, celebration of life and started tearing down the crushed remains of the house where Clayton had lived.  Shannon had lived with both of his sons in that same house for several years.  Lots of memories covered in soggy insulation, moldy drywall, and tree branches.  A house full of mementos now smashed to bits and loaded into 40-yard dumpsters.   We came home to Montana just in time for Shannon to fly back to Oregon for work.  There was no time to decompress, to settle, to process.  We jumped right back into life and charged...

  This past Saturday, we attended the celebration of life for Shannon's son, Clayton.   "How did it go?" I don't know how to answer that question.  I don't know why it's called a "celebration of life."  No one was celebrating.  Most people were crying.  I think "remembrance of life" would be a more accurate description.  The ceremony was nice, if nice is the correct word to use.  Clayton's uncle was in charge of running the show, and did a good job keeping things moving.  A few family members shared stories about Clayton.  There was a lovely slideshow featuring photos of Clayton from baby to adulthood.  The weather was warm and sunny when we arrived.  As family members shared stories, clouds rolled in and the wind picked up.  Just as the slideshow began, fat raindrops started to split-splat on the tents and the heads of those of us not under the tents.  The rain intensified during the fifteen-minute slideshow, an...

  I have officially started the process of changing my last name back to Graham.  It was the name I was born with.  It was the name I had for 29 years of my life.  It feels right to go back to my roots.   I started by calling the county courthouse.  A nice woman answered the phone.   "Hi," I said.  "I'm calling to get information on how to change my name." "Yes," she replied.  "You just need to have your divorce decree." I paused.  "My husband died."  "Oh!" she exclaimed.  "Oh, I'm so sorry.  Well, um, well, I think you need to file for a name change with the court." "Ok, what does that mean?" "You can download the paperwork from our website.  Once you fill out the paperwork, bring it to the courthouse.  Then you have to file a notice in the local newspaper for 30 days, announcing to the public that you are changing your name.  If you have any unpaid debts, any debt collectors can come forward ...

  Last year, I registered for a 14-day, 1,000 mile bike tour in Colorado.  The tour had close to 70,000 feet of climbing, all at high altitude.  Starting in March of last year, I trained hard.  I rode my bike five or six days a week, had a structured training plan, and followed it closely.  Every day, I would ride, then work, or work, then ride.  Weekends were consumed by long rides with lots of climbing.  That was the routine.  That was the rhythm.  That was the normal.  By the time July and the bike tour rolled around, I was in the best cycling shape of my life.  The tour was more than I ever thought it would be, and I felt great for all 14 days.  My training paid off.  Five days later, Scott died. In January of this year, I signed up for another bike tour, also in July, also big miles, also lots of climbing.  I was excited for it.  I was ready to start training for it.  But.  Things happened.  L...