Peace

 

Today was our last full day on the river.  The previous night, I asked if anyone had any thoughts for our meditation today.  No one offered anything, and as we sat quietly contemplating, Peace floated up next to me and smiled.  

Peace? I thought.  Really?  Peace?  Can it be possible that Peace is here?  I inhaled slowly, closed my eyes, exhaled slowly.  Yes.  I realized for the first time in two months that I felt Peace.  

"I have our meditation for tomorrow," I said, opening my eyes.  I smiled.  "But I will tell you in the morning."

The last full day on the river promised to be a stunning one.  Once again, there was not a cloud in the sky.  We had a slight down-canyon wind, which is unheard of on the Main.  The air was cool and crisp but promised to warm quickly once the sun touched the canyon floor.

After we loaded the boats, we all settled on the sand.

"So," asked Lisa.  "What's our meditation for today?"

I smiled at Lisa, then at Brett, and then at Shannon.  "Peace," I said.  

They smiled back at me.

Once again, the sand called me down, so I lay on my back looking at the endless sky.  I thought back to THAT DAY, when Lisa was the first person I called and the first person to arrive.  How Brett, who was leaving for a trip that morning, arrived shortly after Lisa and wordlessly gave me a huge hug.  How that first night I lay in bed wide awake, unable to sleep, and called Shannon because I knew without a doubt that he would answer.  And the next night, when I was lying on the bathroom floor, unable to stop vomiting, I called Shannon again because I knew he would answer.  How these three people put their lives on hold to help me heal and to come on this river trip into the emotional unknown.

I thought about all the party guests who have come and gone in the last few months, how in those first few weeks, I didn't see a way through any of this.  Despair stood firmly by my side for a long time, but somewhere along the way, she dissipated.  Now, Peace, whom I didn't think I would ever see again, was here, and here to stay.    

The timer beeped softly, signaling an end to our morning meditation.  We all rose slowly, brushed the sand off our backs, and climbed into the boats.  

As the day wore on, I started to feel Anxiety wanting to sit next to me on the boat.  The river is a magical, insular place.  Life is simple, and simplicity makes room for clarity.  Tomorrow, we would leave the river.  Would Joy and Gratitude and Peace come with me?  

"I don't want to leave," I told Shannon as I rowed us down the river.  "I don't want to go back to reality."

He looked at me.  "Heidi, this is reality."

I looked at him, then at the river, then dropped my head as tears filled my eyes.  Yes, I thought.  This is reality.

As my head was down, I didn't notice that an eddy had grabbed the boat.

"Hold on, Ernie.  Hold on, Ernie," Shannon said as I looked up.

We were spinning towards a rock near shore, and as the left tube bumped it, Ernie jolted off the box he was sitting on.  I snatched him before he fell in the river, and Shannon and I laughed and laughed, along with Joy, Gratitude, and Peace.  I gave Ernie a hug, put him back on the box, and rowed us out into the current.

Yes, this is reality.