Purpose

 

Grief is the puppet master orchestrating the entrances and exits of the party guests.  

"Infinite Sadness and Despair, enter stage left.  Anger and Rage, storm up the front.  Anxiety, slither in from the right.  Let's get her surrounded."  

Grief ripped my heart out of my chest and repeatedly dragged it back and forth through a broken plate-glass window, tearing my heart to shreds and leaving it in a bloody mess on the floor.  And then, quietly, Grief nodded.  Gratitude appeared, picked up the pieces of my heart, and mended them.  Joy and Peace filed the sharp glass, softening the edges so the hole wasn't so sharp.  

There are pivotal moments in life, moments that monumentally alter the trajectory.  When I met Scott, my world shifted.  I knew my life was forever changed in that moment.  I learned and grew and loved and was loved in ways I never thought possible.  When Scott died, my world shattered into tiny pieces along with my heart.  What do I do now?  How do I go on?  What does my life look like now?  What does tomorrow look like?  Endless questions with no answers.  Bottomless grief and sleepless nights.  

I had no expectations for the river trip we just did.  I certainly didn't expect it to become another pivotal moment in my life, yet that's exactly what happened.  Seven days in the wilderness, away from the questions, expectations, constant reminders, and sad looks.  Seven days of nature healing me, supporting me, and calming me.  Seven days with three of my best friends, supporting each other, allowing vulnerability and communication to flow freely without judgment, and making space for the good stuff to come along.  Joy, Acceptance, Peace, Forgiveness, Gratitude.  My world and my heart are slowly rebuilding.

There is a certain amount of liberation that comes with experiencing the worst possible thing and somehow making it through to the other side.  The challenges and obstacles that once seemed gigantic now appear minuscule.  Living through my worst fear has changed my perspective on what is important, what is worth my time and energy.  The walls I had slowly built around myself over the last 46 years have been torn down.  I allow people in.  I express my thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs clearly and without filter.  I am consciously working on fostering relationships with those people who mean the most to me.  These are the things that matter.

A good friend came to visit me a few weeks after Scott died.  One day on a hike, we were discussing the meaning of life.  Why are we here?  What is the point of all this?  Why even bother?  As we hiked along my favorite trail, surrounded by towering ponderosas and jagged mountains, the answer came to me clearly.  We are here to live.  To experience.  To smell and taste and see and hear.  To fully immerse in Nature and all the beauty she has to offer.  And we are here to feel. Really FEEL.  To feel all of it.  Infinite Sadness and Despair, Rage, Anger, Anxiety, Manic.  And also Gratitude, Peace, Joy, Happiness, Love, Laughter, and Levity.  Without Infinite Sadness, I would never have known the true feeling of Gratitude.  Without Despair, I would never have experienced authentic Joy.  Without Endless Grief, I would never understand the depth of True Love.  From Bottomless Pain to Euphoria, we are here to experience and feel all of it.  That's the beauty of it.

The magic is that you're here.