Graham

 

I have officially started the process of changing my last name back to Graham.  It was the name I was born with.  It was the name I had for 29 years of my life.  It feels right to go back to my roots.  

I started by calling the county courthouse.  A nice woman answered the phone.  

"Hi," I said.  "I'm calling to get information on how to change my name."

"Yes," she replied.  "You just need to have your divorce decree."

I paused.  "My husband died." 

"Oh!" she exclaimed.  "Oh, I'm so sorry.  Well, um, well, I think you need to file for a name change with the court."

"Ok, what does that mean?"

"You can download the paperwork from our website.  Once you fill out the paperwork, bring it to the courthouse.  Then you have to file a notice in the local newspaper for 30 days, announcing to the public that you are changing your name.  If you have any unpaid debts, any debt collectors can come forward at this point and object to the name change or request that you pay your debts.  After 30 days, you then schedule a court date to go before a judge and request your name change.  The judge will either approve or deny your request.  If the judge approves your request, you will be issued paperwork that you then take to the driver's license office and the other places to get your ID cards changed."

What the fuck.  No way can this be right.  I just want to go back to my birth name.  

"What?" I asked.  "Really?  I am just trying to go back to my maiden name.  The name that's on my birth certificate."

"Yes, I realize that.  This is how you do it."

I shook my head.  "So, you're telling me that just to change my name back to the name that I was born with, I have to ask a judge for permission."

"Basically, yes."

"But if I was getting divorced, I would magically have the paperwork to change my name and not have to go through all this stuff.  Since my husband died, I have to go through this whole ridiculous process."

She paused, then said, "Yes."

I shook my head again.  "Ok, thank you for your help."

I hung up the phone.  There is no way this can be right.  I have a birth certificate with Graham.  I have my original social security card, multiple old driver's licenses, multiple passports, my marriage certificate.  I even have a Costco card with Graham.  And I have to ask a judge for permission?  IT'S MY FUCKING NAME.

The next day, I called back and talked to a different lady. 

"Hi, I am trying to get information on how to change my name," I started.  Before I could get any further, the lady on the other end of the phone interrupted me.

"Oh, yes, that's easy.  You just need your divorce papers.  It's all on there."

I paused, took a deep breath, let it out.  "My husband died."

"Oh!  Oh, I am so sorry."

I then explained what the woman from the previous day had told me and expressed my doubts.  

"Yes," she agreed.  "That doesn't seem right.  I think if you just take your birth certificate to the social security office, that should be good enough.  Once you change your name with them, your new name goes in the system, and you can change your driver's license and passport."

"That's kind of what I was thinking," I agreed.  

I made an appointment with the social security office in Missoula.  Before my appointment, I loaded every bit of documentation I had into a big manila folder.  I had my birth certificate, old passports, new passports, old driver's licenses, new driver's licenses, my original social security card and my new one, my marriage license, and Scott's death certificate.  I had everything.  

I arrived at my scheduled time.  A nice man at the window called me up.  I sat down in the chair in front of him with my stuffed manila envelope.

"How can I help you today?" he asked.

"I'm here to change my name," I replied.

"Great.  I just need to see your divorce papers."

Again with the divorce papers!  Why???

I took a breath, let it out.  "My husband died."

And again, the same response.  "Oh!  Oh, I'm so sorry.  Ok, let me see here."  He started scrolling and clicking, scrolling and clicking.  

I started pulling documents out of my folder and handing them to him.  "Here's my birth certificate, an old passport, the death certificate, marriage license, driver's license."  I kept pulling documents from the folder and piled them in front of him.  

He kept scrolling and clicking.  Finally, he looked at me.  "I don't know how to do this.  If it isn't for marriage or divorce, I don't know how to do this.  Let me go ask my manager."

Apparently, I am the only person ever to change my name back to my maiden name without getting divorced.  

He returned after a few minutes.  "Yes, I can help you.  All I need is your birth certificate."

He typed in his computer for a few moments, asked me a few questions, printed out a receipt, and handed it to me.  "You're all set.  Your new social security card will be arriving in the mail in a few weeks."

"Thank you," I said as I gathered up my pile of paperwork.

"Give it 24 hours before you go to the driver's license office.  It takes about a day for the system to update."  

"Great," I said as I stood up and walked out.  

That was easy.  In the eyes of the federal government, I was now Graham.

Two days later, I had an appointment with the driver's license office.  Once again, I arrived at my appointed time.  Once again, I was called up to the window.

"How can I help you today?" asked the woman on the other side of the counter.

"I need to change my name."

"Great," she replied.  "First, let me see your driver's license."

I slid it across the counter.  She typed in her computer for a few moments.  "Ok, now I need to see your divorce papers."

REALLY????? COME ON.

Once again, I took a breath, exhaled, then said, "My husband died."

"Oh!  Oh, I'm so sorry.  Ok.  Well, then I need to see the court document."

I handed her the death certificate.

"No, I need to see the court document that allows you to change your name."

I handed her my birth certificate.

"No, I need a document from the court.  From a judge.  If you had a divorce decree, it would say on there that you can change your name."

"I didn't get divorced.  My husband died."

"Yes, I understand.  But I need something like a marriage license..."

I interrupted her.  "I have my marriage license," I said as I rummaged in my manila folder.

"Right, but that's not the name you want to use."

"No," I said.  "I just want to go back to the name that's on my birth certificate."

"Yes, so you need to go before a judge and petition to get your name changed."

I shook my head.  "This doesn't make any sense to me.  In order to go back to the name that I was born with, I have to ask a judge for permission?"

"Yes," she replied.  "But first you have to fill out some paperwork and then put a notice in the newspaper for 30 days."

I could feel my face flushing as I started to get angry.  "You hear how insane this is.  I just want my name back.  The name I was born with."

"I understand.  If you had divorce papers, those would work."

"I didn't get divorced.  MY HUSBAND DIED."

She paused, flinched.  "I'm sorry you're upset.  But this is how it works.  I need something from the court granting permission for you to change your name."

I grabbed my paperwork and shoved it into the envelope.  "This is insane," I muttered.  "So, if I were getting divorced, this would be easy.  But because my husband died, I have to go through an entire process.  Because dealing with his death wasn't enough."  I jerked my coat off the chair, stood up, and stalked out.

I was on the fence about changing my name when Scott and I got married, and now I wish I never had done it.  It is absolutely insane to me that I have to ask a judge for permission to go back to THE NAME I WAS BORN WITH.  And I can only do it AFTER I post a notice in the paper for 30 days.  How is this the system that is in place?  I have every piece of documentation under the sun, yet a judge still has to tell me it's okay to go back to my birth name.  

Now, I am in a weird place of limbo.  In the eyes of the feds, I am Graham.  In the eyes of the state and my banks and insurance companies and etcetera, I am Kaminski.  So, who am I?  I will tell you who I am.  I am Frustrated.  I am Beyond Frustrated.  I am Annoyed.  I am Angry.  I am Irritated.  I am Dismayed at a broken system.  Ladies, if you are on the fence about changing your name or think you might go back to your birth name at any point in the future, DO NOT CHANGE YOUR NAME.  EVER.  Well, unless you plan on getting divorced.  Then, apparently, its easy.