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Okay


 I finished work early today, so the doggies and I headed to Ward.  I was hoping a hard, fast hike would get rid of the Constant Irritation that has become my new sidekick.  My loose plan was to hike to Raven Rock, just shy of four miles up.  

We arrived at the trailhead, and immediately, I was annoyed.  There were people everywhere.  By people everywhere, I mean there was an old man with an old dog walking through the parking area, and another couple with a poodle-looking dog heading to the Sawtooth trail.  To me, that's "people everywhere."  The couple with the poodle quickly disappeared down the trail (not the trail I was hiking, thankfully).  The old man and older dog headed down to the creek, which was where we were going.  I wanted to give the doggies some water before we headed up and up.  The old man moved slowly, and the older dog moved more slowly.  The trail was narrow, so I had no choice but to slowly creep along behind them until we got down to the creek.  Normally, I would have been patient and kind and chatted.  Today, Constant Irritation scraped the inside of my skull.  I clenched my teeth as we made our way to the creek.  The doggies got a quick drink, then we headed back to the Ward trailhead and away from Slowpoke McGee and Mr. Draggy Pants.  

I set a quick pace on the lower slopes of Ward, hoping to hike off some bad energy.  At the one-mile mark, I reached back and tried to get my water bottle out of its backpack pouch.  Normally, it slides out easily.  Not today.  Today, of all days, it got hung up.  As I hiked, I tried and tried to get the bottle out of the pouch.  It would not budge.  Constant Irritation stabbed the back of my eyeballs.  I stopped, ripped off my pack, held it high over my head, then slammed it to the ground.  Constant Irritation giggled.  I felt marginally better.  I grabbed my bottle, took a drink, put it back in its pouch, and continued up the trail.  

I'm gonna turn around at Molly Meadow.  I'm over this.  

Somewhere around the mile-and-a-half mark, I found my rhythm.  My legs settled into a fast pace, my breathing found the cadence with my legs, and my heartbeat pounded in time with all of it.  I felt beads of sweat sliding down my spine as Constant Irritation struggled to keep up with my speedy ascent.  I hit Molly Meadow and didn't break stride.  The trail tilted noticeably upward, and my pace slowed slightly, but Constant Irritation had fallen far off the back and was nowhere in sight.  

I kept pushing, up and up and up, enjoying the sting in my legs and the breathless feeling in my lungs.  The negative thought spiral shifted as Clarity fell in step beside me.

What's causing this irritation?  

I don't fully know.  Lots of things.  Anything.  Nothing.  Everything.  Life, at this point.  

Is the irritation from feeling overwhelmed?

That's an excellent question, and I would say yes, partly.  I think I have been trying to do too much.  I need a moment to breathe.  I am going to take a break from purging things, from selling things, from sorting and boxing and bagging.  Everything that needed to be done has been done.  The rest can wait.  I need a break from it all, and that's okay.

I thought about the last three months and how my life has changed in ways I never could have imagined.  I have experienced depths of sorrow I never thought possible, despair, anxiety, manic, and anger.  I also feel more loved and more supported than I have in a very long time.  I know now that all the big feelings arise and fade away, and Constant Irritation is no different.  I also know that I am okay.  In the deepest part of my soul, I know that I am okay.  Even in the dark times, the times with big emotions, the times when I melt down on the hiking trail and slam my backpack to the ground, I know in my heart that I am okay.  I am okay, and I will continue to be okay, no matter what tomorrow throws at me.

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