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Lost

 


Awake at 2:00 a.m.  Again.  I roll onto my side, pretend I'm still sleeping, will my brain to shut off and go back to sleep.

I need to get to Missoula to turn off Scott's cell phone.  Should I go tomorrow and just get it done?  That means I have to cancel my hike with Greg yet again.  

I take a deep breath, slow exhale, squeeze my eyes shut tight.

Eddy is coming today at 1:00 to buy some more tools.  Will I be back from my errands by then?  Should I text him and move it to 2:00?  Maybe I can text Mike and see if he can be here at 2:00, also.  Then Eddy can help Mike load the belt sander into the tool trailer.  

I roll onto my back, open my eyes, stare at the ceiling.  

I need to remember to call Northwestern Energy and switch that bill into my name.  

Gigi hops on my chest, settles in, and starts purring.  I pet her softly, watching the deer in the yard under the full moon.

I could go to Missoula Friday this week after work and deal with Scott's phone.  But will I feel like going to Missoula Friday?  Maybe I should just go tomorrow and get it over with.  Greg and I can meet for lunch instead of hiking.  I know he will understand.  

I close my eyes, sigh.  

Should I just get up?  I could be productive.  I need to clean my bike before I ride this morning.  I need to make pesto before the cilantro goes bad.  I have more stuff to sort and purge.  I would love to start widening the garden beds.  I could write.  Or should I stay in bed and let my body rest, even though I won't sleep more?  I don't know.    

I open my eyes again.  I know sleep is done for the night.  Four and a half hours is not enough, but it seems to be the trend these days.  I thought I was done with the sleepless nights.  I also thought I would escape Anger.  Turns out I was wrong on both accounts.  

When I feel like I am operating on a 5% battery, I don't have extra for anything extra.  And everything feels like extra right now.  I feel lost, trying to navigate this new reality with a head full of fog.  I long for a solid night of sleep.  I would take six hours if I could get it.  Eight would be amazing.  I wonder if I will ever sleep again.  

"So, I have a question," Shannon said through the phone last night.

"Sure, go ahead."

"On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your average level of stress right now?"

I paused for a long time.  I hadn't thought about quantifying my stress level.  I just know that it is high.

Finally, I answered.  "It depends on what I'm doing.  On my bike, I would say it's a negative fifteen."  I paused again, thinking.  "Dealing with all the shit I have to deal with right now, sometimes it feels like I am hovering around nine."

Sounds like I need to ride my bike more.

I have said it before, and I will say it again.  I am tired of dealing with all of this stuff.  The big feelings, the epiphanies, the meetings and phone calls and purging of stuff and taking over duties, managing multiple businesses, running a household, caring for five pets, and on and on.  I am tired.  

"What can we do to help lower your stress levels?" Shannon asked quietly.  "What are some things you can do right now?  And what are the things you can't do anything about?"

Excellent questions.  What are some things I can do right now?  I can go to Missoula tomorrow and deal with Scott's phone.  I can move Eddy's pickup time this afternoon to 2:00 instead of 1:00, so I don't have to rush with my errands.  I can call Northwestern today and get the power bill switched over.  I can write about all of this so I can purge it from my brain.  I can remind myself that all the minutiae will come to an end, that these little things of paperwork and bills and purging of stuff won't last forever.  I can remember that running the businesses will get smoother as I get my systems in place.

What about the things I can't change?  The Buddha once said something like, "Don't stress.  If you can change something, change it and stop stressing about it.  If you can't change it, you can't change it, so don't stress about it."  I will do my best to take that saying to heart.  In the meantime, I think I will go ride my bike.    


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