Skip to main content

Surrender

 


"How would you guys feel about doing a daily ten-minute morning meditation?" Lisa asked as we sat at camp at the put-in on the first night of the river trip.

"I love this idea," I replied.

"Me too," offered Shannon.

"I would like to shoot for twenty minutes per day, so what if we did an evening meditation as well?" Brett said.

We all agreed it was an excellent idea.  We decided to establish a daily group intention for the meditation.  

"I think the first one should be 'Surrender,'" Brett suggested.  

Surrender.  It was perfect.  Here we were, the four of us, along with two dogs, preparing to embark on a potentially terrible river trip.  All we could do was surrender and go for the ride.  

At Shannon's suggestion, I had decided on a spot to spread some of Scott's ashes along the river.  The spot I chose was not too far from the put-in.  The morning that we launched, Lisa and I took the dogs and hiked the river trail to the chosen spot, while Brett and Shannon rowed the boats.  

We all arrived within a few minutes of each other.  Lisa and I helped Brett and Shannon pull their boats through the rock garden of an eddy and onto the sandy beach.  I grabbed the ashes, and we slowly made our way over to the spot I had in mind.  We stood quietly for a few moments, absorbing the stunning scenery that surrounded us, listening to the river rushing by.  I felt Scott next to me, felt him put his arms around my shoulders.  

I love you.  I love this spot.  It's perfect.  You know I am not in those ashes.  You know I am here with you.  You know I am everywhere.  

We spoke a few words, then I walked a bit away from the group, opened the container, and slowly poured the ashes into the flowing current.  I stood silently with my back to the group, breathing deeply, feeling the energy of the canyon and the river as Scott continued to wrap his arms around my shoulders.

I'm proud of you, Love.

I took a deep breath, willed myself to stay together, turned, and faced the group.  I walked to Brett, gave him a hug.

"Thank you," I whispered to him.

I went to Lisa, hugged her hard, "Thank you for being here," I murmured.

I looked at Shannon, met his eyes, saw his sadness matched mine, and my brave façade disappeared into the current with Scott's ashes.  I crumbled.  He hugged me as I cried softly.

"Let's do our meditation here," Brett suggested quietly.

The four of us sat silently on the sand.  I closed my eyes, and immediately Scott started talking.  

I'm proud of you.  Keep doing what you're doing.  I want you to be happy.  All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy.  Be present.  Don't overthink anything.  Be here.  Surrender.  

I nodded as I listened.  Then, silently, I asked him, Help Shannon.

I am.

We sat for a few more moments, listening to a jet boat zoom past, then whiz by again.  Finally, we got up one by one and slowly started making our way along the shore, back to the boats.  

It was then that I looked up and saw a blue cat boat floating in the current of the river.  A blue cat boat.  Like the one Shannon had.  And there was no one in the boat.

"Shannon!"  I yelled.  "Your boat!" as I pointed to the river.

Shannon immediately headed to the trail and started running downriver.  Brett, Lisa, and I, along with the dogs, ran to Brett's boat, got it off the beach and through the rock garden eddy, and started rowing hard down the river.  

Just around the corner, we found Shannon's boat washed up against some rocks.  There was a large beach behind the rocks, along with a group of fellow rafters who had witnessed the entire incident.  They all laughed and cheered as we rowed to shore and Brett hopped out.  

"You guys stay here with the dogs and the boat.  I'll go get Shannon's boat off the rocks," Brett said as he scampered over the boulders and out of view.

Meanwhile, Shannon had made his way down the river trail and had spotted his boat.  Unfortunately, the river trail was on the wrong side of the river from his boat.  He could do nothing but stand helplessly on the opposite side of the river, hands in his pockets, watching while Brett got his boat unstuck and rowed over to rescue Shannon.  

They rowed Shannon's boat back over to the beach where Lisa and I were waiting.

As they pulled into shore, I started laughing.  "You know Scott never liked it when things got too heavy.  You know he did this."  I laughed harder.  

"He pushed my boat into the river!" Shannon said as he laughed with me.

"I asked him to help you, and all he said was 'I am,'" I said, laughing harder.  

The four of us stood there on the beach and laughed until tears flowed down our cheeks.  Scott orchestrated the entire episode.  He was telling us to be happy, to enjoy the river, to laugh and be silly and have fun.  Spreading his ashes was too serious, so he found a unique and hilarious way to lighten the mood.  

That morning set the tone for the rest of the trip.  In that moment, we felt happiness fill the canyon like the river, and we fully surrendered to it.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Beginning

  "I just need a copy of your insurance card," I heard the office manager say as I walked down the hallway toward the waiting room. "I gave it to them next door.  Can't you get it from them?" a male voice replied. I grimaced as I continued toward the waiting room.  The physical therapy office where I worked was in the same building as an orthopedic surgeon's clinic.  Most people assumed we were the same business.  The office manager had to clarify multiple times a day that we were two separate businesses, and the repetition made her cranky.   As I reached the waiting room, I listened to her icily launch into her speech about how the two businesses were separate and we needed our own copy of the insurance.  I stopped and waited for her to finish, looking at the back of the man standing in front of her window.  He was tall, with broad shoulders, thick hair. and muscular calves.   After the manager finished her tirade, the man shrugged...
Post a Comment
Read more

Spaghetti

  Scott and I had been dating for about a month.  He lived in Darby, and I lived in Lolo, so we usually either met halfway in between for dinner or he would drive to Missoula and meet me somewhere for dinner after work.  One sunny spring Saturday at the end of April, Scott invited me to his house in Darby.   I had not been, and vaguely knew where Darby was.  When he told me he lived in Darby, I thought for a moment, then asked, "That's the place with the candy store, yeah?" That Saturday afternoon, I got in my car and drove to Darby.  As I got further down the valley and closer to his house, I felt my world shift again.  Something about this felt significant, just as it did when we were walking side by side down the hallway.  Something about this felt BIG.   As I pulled into his driveway, he strode out of the house wearing his boyish grin.  When I got out of my car, he wrapped me in a bear hug and lifted me off my feet, and we ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Pull It Out

I gasped.  I knew something was wrong.  I gasped again, forced a slow exhale.  Another gasp.  I couldn't gain traction.  I had to get out of the puddle.  Dimly, my mind realized there was no pain.  Something just felt wrong.  Gasp, forced slow exhale.  I hesitantly reached up and touched my shoulder, where my arm should have connected to my body.  My arm was there, only a few inches lower than it should have been.  Another gasp. We were four and a half miles from the trailhead at the end of a three-day backpacking trip.  It had been a wonderful and challenging journey from the beginning.  The weeks-long hot spell had finally broken, and my two friends, Lisa and Rebecca, and I jumped at the chance to hit the trails for some forest time.  We had four dogs between the three of us, all females.  This was a girls' trip on all accounts.  The forecast called for intermittent rain showers, so we came prepared with r...
Post a Comment
Read more