Acceptance

 As the second day wore on, the clouds parted, and the sun emerged.  The stars on night two were massive.  Sometime in the night, I emerged from my tent to relieve my bladder.  When I finished, I stood on the beach in darkness, my head tipped back, eyes wide open, gaping at the awe above me.  The Milky Way looked like a dusting of powdered sugar on a black blanket, dotted with tiny marshmallows.  Satellites raced across the sky, chasing each other to the horizon.  Venus glowed bright above the eastern canyon rim, and Orion proudly displayed his belt for all the universe to see.  I shivered in the cold, but lingered a bit more.  Joy stood with me, alongside Happiness and Gratitude.  I felt my heart expand as I listened to the water flowing by, watched the magic of the sky unveil above me.  

The magic is that you're here.

I nodded as tears filled my eyes.  The magic is that I'm here.  

Morning dawned cool and clear.  We emerged from our tents in darkness and watched the light slowly creep its way down into the canyon.  Brett had suggested Acceptance as our meditation for the day, so it was already in my mind as Lisa and I left with the doggies for a morning hike.

Surrender, then Joy, now Acceptance.  Lisa and I talked as we hiked about how different this trip was from any other trip we had done in the past.  Our expectations were for a "sad trip," as Shannon called it.  Yet, Sadness had been overtaken by Joy.  The daily meditations were an amazing way to set the tone for the day.  We shared stories, challenges, life lessons.  Brett surprised us all by casually dropping heavy life knowledge into almost every conversation.  Moving through tragedy together created a feeling of safety, one that allowed us to be more open, honest, and vulnerable with each other in ways that we hadn't before.

This is the best river trip I have ever done, I thought to myself as Lisa and I hiked along the trail.  Acceptance hiked beside me, showed me the beauty of this life and this world, even through the tragedy.  

"I think this is the best river trip we've ever done," said Lisa over her shoulder.

I laughed.  "That's so funny.  I was just thinking the exact same thing!" 

We headed back to camp, loaded the boats, and settled in for our morning meditation.

Acceptance came easily.  Surrender and Joy had made space for Acceptance.  Scott joined in right away.

I am so happy for you.  I am so happy you are happy.  All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.  Keep doing what you're doing.  Be present.  Be here.  Don't overthink anything.  Be present.

One by one, we slowly stood up and made our way to the boats.  

Today was a big rapid day, and Shannon and I took turns rowing.  The sun was strong, and the air warmed in the afternoon.  It was the perfect day to be on the river.  We laughed and talked and jumped in the river to cool off.  It felt good to laugh again.  It felt good to be fully and truly happy.  It felt good to have my heart swell from good things instead of constantly breaking from sad things.  

When we got to camp that afternoon, I realized I felt like a new version of myself.  I was finding my footing again, and it felt really good.

I write in a journal every night on the river, and on this particular night, I concluded my journal entry with the following:

"The lightness of this trip is wonderful.  Perhaps we were all expecting it to be sad and heavy, which only amplifies the magnitude of light.  I am so glad we came.  I love being on the river.  I love being in this canyon.  I love these people."