The After-Party

 

The morning of Saturday, August 2, I became the unwitting host of a terrible, bizarre, surreal after-party.  I didn't want anyone in my home, but the guests were relentless.  The first to arrive were Shock and his good friend Disbelief.  They crashed through the front door and swarmed me like a hive of bees, swirling around and around as their friend Confusion joined in.  I was powerless as the three of them crowded my personal space, choking me, making me gasp for air.

In the chaos, Infinite Sadness and her sister Despair oozed in and draped themselves over me.  They were heavy and suffocating.  I sobbed, gasped, choked, and sobbed more.  I heard voices talking around me, but couldn't catch the words.  My five party guests blocked out everything but themselves.  They consumed me.

For four long days and nights, the five guests hovered, smothering me, refusing to leave my side for even the briefest of moments.  My heart broke into a million pieces from the weight of Infinite Sadness and Despair, and those million pieces broke into a million more, and a million more, and still, Infinite Sadness and Despair never acquiesced.  

On day five, Gratitude and Levity made a brief appearance, slipping in so quietly I hardly noticed.  Neither of them liked the crowd, so they made a quick exit.  

Shock, Disbelief, and Confusion invited Infinite Sadness and Despair to join in a never-ending game of hide-and-seek.  One or more of them would hide while the others continued to hover around me.  Just when I started to think maybe a few of the uninvited guests had left the party, WHAMMO, they would jump out of their hiding spots and drown me in their suffocating closeness.  All day and all night, the game of hide-and-seek continued.  I never knew who was going to jump out at me, or when, and that's when Anxiety joined the party.  I was not happy to see her either, and when she arrived, she came in big.  She had no interest in the silly hide-and-seek game.  She instead was content to settle down right next to me and never leave my side.  

Around the evening of day six, Anxiety invited her dear friend, Manic, to the after-party.  Manic showed up fully charged and ready to roll.  Manic ran circles around me, yelling and waving his arms like a lunatic.  He kept at it all night long, making sleep impossible.  Anytime I started to drift off, Manic leaned close to my face, breathed his onion breath on me, and snarled, "WAKE UP!"  Then he took control of my brain and played the scene from Saturday morning on repeat until I gave up and got out of bed.

There were now seven constant guests at the after-party, and they never left my side.  Gratitude and Levity continued to pop in on occasion, but they were overwhelmed by the other guests, who were much louder and more insistent.  

On day twelve, Manic finally left my side long enough for me to fall asleep.  That's when Rage blew in like a tornado, debris flying in his wake as he roared and screamed, churning me instantly awake.  Rage was ready to rumble, and he wanted to take on the world.  For three long days, he writhed and yelled, making me feel like I might explode into a million million million pieces, just like my heart.  I thought Manic was bad for sleep, but Rage was impossible.  

Gratitude and Levity tried once again to arrive, but the tornado of Rage made it impossible.  I watched with dismay as they quickly retreated to safety.

Rage finally spun himself out and faded into the background.  He didn't leave the party, but his intensity lessened.  In the interim, Numb slipped through the door.  Numb was quiet, but immediately commanded the room.  The rest of the guests backed up and gave her space, acknowledging her lack of energy as her power.  She gave the sensation of being detached, being an observer, being catatonic.  Numb came and went, staying for hours, then disappearing silently.  As soon as she left, the other guests came crowding in, eager to make up for lost time.  When Numb reappeared, the other guests took their spots in the periphery.  

Gratitude and Levity tried again and again to join the party.  Sometimes, they succeeded.  They lingered for a bit, gently shooing away the other guests.  A few times, they brought their other friend, Clarity, but she rarely stayed longer than a few minutes.  

I so badly want Gratitude, Levity, and Clarity to stay.  I so badly want the rest of the guests to leave.  I don't like being angry, or sad, or confused, or manic.  I want this after-party to end, but I don't know how to make the guests go away.  People tell me, "Take it one day at a time."  I don't have a choice.  The days keep coming, and the nights follow right behind.  Sometimes I am a crying puddle on the floor.  Other times, I can't sit still, pacing and pacing, trying to get rid of a smidge of the manic and rage that fills my bones.  

This all seems surreal.  This can't be happening, but it is.  I can't see a way through this, but the days keep going by, and suddenly, I am almost three weeks into my world without the love of my life.  "Life goes on," as they say.  I just wish all my party guests would leave.