Eleven days. Eleven days since my world fell to pieces. I feel like I've been in some sort of bizarre time warp. The days pass without me noticing. Am I dreaming? This can't be real.
1) How are you doing?
I don't know how to answer this question anymore. Do I give the cursory "fine" or "good?" Do I unload everything? Something in between? I am not fine, nor good, nor okay. Okay feels millions of miles away. I went to the post office today and had to pick up a package. I stood in the office and waited while the woman in front of me chatted with Kathy behind the counter. They laughed and made small talk while Kathy did the transaction, then exchanged "Have a nice day" salutations. I watched in awe. How can they act as if nothing has happened, as if nothing has changed, when EVERYTHING has changed? Anger filled my bones. How dare they? How dare they be happy? How dare they smile and laugh and say "Have a nice day" and go on about their lives? My world has shattered, and they say, "Have a nice day." How dare they? HOW DARE THEY? And then my phone buzzed with a text from a friend. Thinking of you. I'm here for you if you need anything. Anything at all. You know you can call me. The anger faded, and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the support I have been receiving.
I look around our property, our house, this life we built together. I can't do this alone. I can't live this life alone, without him. He was my everything. I start to cry. I feel his arm around my shoulders, hear him whispering in my ear, "I'm here. I'm here. I'm right here. You can do this. You are going to be ok." I am suffocated by sadness, but I sense a stir of something deeper, something more solid, something that feels a lot like resolve, strength, courage.
I am sitting in the house in the evening, alone for the first time since it happened. I feel the sadness descend upon me like a guillotine. I choke on my sobs. And then the phone rings. It's Shannon, calling because he knows I'm alone for the first time, and has a hilarious story to share with me in hopes of distracting me, even for a few moments.
I don't know how I am doing. All I know is that I AM doing, and that's enough for now.
2) What is getting you through the days?
Life stuff. The dogs need walking, the cats need attention. Paperwork. So much paperwork. Meetings and more meetings and more meetings. And then more paperwork. Getting outside. Getting into the forest, getting on my bike. So many amazing friends and family, constantly reaching out, offering words of support, bringing food, stopping by to share stories and hang out, lending a shoulder or an ear, and being ok with being uncomfortable in my sadness.
And Scott. More than anything, it's Scott. He lived life to the absolute maximum. He truly embraced each day, always thinking, creating, seeking. About any dream or passion, he always said, "Do it now. Don't wait. You never know when you might die." So many people say that, but he is the only person I have ever known who truly lived it. Scott was always thinking of the next adventure, whether it was hiking, backpacking, a river trip, hunting, fishing, or spending a month or two in Mexico or Arizona. Whatever the dream, Scott made it a reality. He lived more in his 53 years than most people live in a lifetime, and we did more in our 19 years together than most people do in 50. Scott LIVED. He showed me a different way of life, taught me to pursue my passions and dreams, and make them a reality in any way I can.
3) Are you leaving Darby?
No. Darby is my home. This is where Scott and I built a life together. This is where my friends and family are. This is where my work is, and where all my amazing clients are. I love this place. Everything I have is here. I live here because I want to live here. This is my place.
4) Will you be returning to work?
Yes. Sooner rather than later. I don't know if I am ready. It could be a shit show of catastrophic proportions. But all I can do is try. I don't know what this life is going to look like, how it will feel to be in a routine again, how I will feel the first day I come home from work and Scott is not here, but I have to try.
5) Lessons
I have learned a few lessons already, and I am sure they will keep coming. The first lesson is what I already mentioned. Live like Scott. Don't wait. Embrace life. Pursue dreams, passions, and goals. Don't expect that there will be a tomorrow.
The second lesson is to reach out. Call or text that friend that you haven't seen in a while, or that you just saw yesterday. I guarantee they have been thinking of reaching out as well. Stop by. Say hi. Have a cup of tea on the back deck and visit. Bother them.
I will ask you, Reader, what you have learned from this, or what you will change from this. Lessons are all around us. Grab onto them and use them.
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