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Another Guest


 I heard a noise at the front door.  It was quiet, hard to hear above the riot of the party-goers.  I went to the door, opened it, and looked around.  I saw nothing.  I shrugged, closed the door, and that's when I felt it.  Something started to coil around my legs, slowly circling up and up, around my torso, squeezing.  It found the battered remnants of my heart, wrapped itself around, and squeezed with all its might.  What was happening to me?  

I was familiar with a few of the other party guests.  I knew Sadness, Disbelief, Confusion, Rage.  I knew them as milder forms of themselves, and in much different circumstances, but this new guest was strange.  I didn't know what to make of her.  Then I heard her whisper to me, I am Loneliness.

I didn't know Loneliness.  I had never met her until now.  Infinite Sadness, close friends with Loneliness, saw her slither through the door and ran over to greet her.  As Loneliness continued to circle and squeeze every inch of me, Infinite Sadness draped herself over me and covered me in darkness.  I tried to shake them off, but I was powerless.  

I had to get away from all these guests.  I laced up my shoes and headed out for a dog walk.  The sun was hours from rising, so we walked in the dark.  Loneliness whispered in my ear relentlessly.  Walking alone in the dark.  This is how it will be now.  Just you.  Alone.  In the dark.  Always.  Forever.  The other half of you is gone.  He's never coming back.  It's just you.  Only you.  That's it.  She kept whispering, squeezing tighter and tighter.  Tears flowed down my cheeks as Infinite Sadness draped heavily over me.  

And that's when Rage came roaring up behind me, crashing into me like a freight train.  He screamed at me.  HOW DARE PEOPLE BE HAPPY?  HOW DARE THEY?  YOU LOST YOUR WORLD AND PEOPLE ARE FUCKING HAPPY?  FUCK EVERYONE!  FUCK THE WORLD!  HOW DARE THEY?

I kept walking, crying, shaking, wishing they would all leave me alone.  I went back to the house, got on my bike, and started riding.  Surely I could outride them.  Rage disagreed.  He chanted with every pedal stroke.  How.  Dare.  They.  How.  Dare.  They.  How.  Dare.  They.  I rode faster.  He chanted faster.  HowDareThey HowDareThey HowDareThey.  I started sprinting.  He started yelling.  HOWDARETHEY HOWDARETHEY HOWDARETHEY HOWDARETHEY.

I sprinted harder, pleading with Rage to let go.  And then I heard something else.  Listen to the osprey.  I tilted my head.  Rage had stopped chanting.  It's me, Gratitude.  Listen to the osprey.  I looked up at the nest, high above the road.  Two osprey were silhouetted in the soft light of dawn.  One was perched on the edge of the nest, chattering and chirping.  

I stopped sprinting, settled into an easier rhythm, caught my breath.  Rage started his chant again, but Gratitude cut him off.  Look at the sunrise, she said softly.  Look at the colors.  The sky glowed a brilliant smoky pink, lighting the mountains on fire.  I took a deep breath, let it out slowly.  

Rage stomped his foot in frustration, then slowly drifted off the back, not disappearing but fading slightly.  Loneliness loosened her grip on my heart just enough for me to take another deep breath.  Infinite Sadness lifted her heavy cloak.  Gratitude drew my eyes to the mountains.  Look at the beauty.  It's everywhere.  Remember to see it.

I pedaled home, head up, looking at the mountains and the sunrise and the osprey.  Rage hovered behind, but never resumed his chant.  Gratitude hung around for a bit, then disappeared silently.  Once I got home, Infinite Sadness and Loneliness took over the party.  They stuck themselves to me and are refusing to let go.  I don't know how to make them go away.  I don't know how to shake them off.  I don't feel like there is anything left of my heart to break, but it keeps breaking.  Visions of me walking alone in the dark for the rest of my life swirl in my head.  My body feels heavy, like I am cloaked in a suit of armor.  These guests are persistent.  

All I can do is hope Gratitude invites herself over more often and brings her friends, Levity and Clarity, with her.

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