A Good Day

 

Yesterday marked the one-month anniversary.  One month without the love of my life.  One month without my One.  It seems surreal.

Sleep only stayed at the party for one night.  I haven't seen her since.  Infinite Sadness and Disbelief billowed into the bedroom and awakened me at 3:00 am, smothering me in heavy darkness.  My eyes filled with tears.  One month.

Earlier in the week, I had made plans with a good friend to hike yesterday.  His knowledge of the mountains here far exceeds anyone I know.  He knows all the good spots.  He promised to take me to his favorite secret trail that leads to a few high mountain lakes.  I agreed to the hike at the time.  

Lying in bed, Infinite Sadness and Disbelief suffocating me with leaden fog, I wanted to cancel.  I couldn't imagine hiking all day.  I couldn't imagine getting out of bed.  Tears became rivers flowing down my cheeks.  

I grabbed my phone, texted Shannon.  One month ago right now the paramedics were doing CPR on Scott.

Shannon replied immediately.  There are much better memories to think about.

I smiled briefly.  That is exactly what Scott would have said.  The tears returned, the darkness grew darker, the emptiness grew bigger.

"How am I going to do this?" I asked to the dark, empty room.

Love, you've already been doing it, Scott whispered in my ear.

I lay there for a few more moments, wiped my tears, got up, and started getting ready for the hike.

Nathan picked me up promptly at 7:00, and we started driving to the trailhead.  We were only a few miles up the dirt road when Nathan pointed just off the side of the road.  "Moose!  Moose!" he said.  A small moose trotted next to the road, stayed with us for a few moments, then dove into the tall brush.

Mule deer and whitetail deer zig-zagged on the road in front of us as we continued on our way.  As we rounded a corner in the road, we saw the large, black, fuzzy butt of a big black bear.  At the sound of the truck, the bear began galloping up the road.  He made a hasty exit into the trees, but not before pausing briefly to stand up and look at us.  I smiled.  

Up the road we went, winding along.  Finally, Nathan pulled over.  It was time to hike.  We meandered through lovely high alpine forest as he pointed out different tree and shrub species.  We talked about life, death, the in-between, and the after.  I rambled pointlessly, cried, rambled more.  Nathan listened, offered encouraging words when needed, and answered my hard questions as best as he could.

"Look!" Nathan said as he pointed to a rock pile.  There, scurrying across the rocks, was a pine marten.  In its mouth was a pika.  "That's not something you see every day."

I smiled again.  Magic was everywhere.  Scott was everywhere.

Finally, we reached the lake.  It was stunning.  The air carried a cool breeze that made the warm sun on my skin feel decadent.  I sat down on a rock next to the lake, took off my shoes, and for the first time in a month, felt the heaviness of Infinite Sadness and Despair disappear.  We sat quietly and ate our snacks.  Juno and Ernie explored the lake shore and the surrounding forest.  I felt like I could have stayed there forever.  The earth, the lake, the sun, and the cool breeze were all working to ease my suffocating sorrow.

I don't know how long we lingered by the lake.  Eventually, it was time to go.  As we hiked back to the truck, we snacked on tiny berries along the trail.  The heat from the sun awakened the fragrances in the forest.  The air carried wafts of spruce, pine, fir, and delicious ripe berries.  We hiked and snacked, hiked and snacked, and before I knew it, we were back to the truck.

As we drove back to my house, I started planning a one-day, big mileage, big climbing gravel bike ride for next summer.  We kicked around ideas about the route, the start and end, whether or not to do a shuttle, and total mileage.  Suddenly, the perfect route came to me.  

"I got it!" I exclaimed to Nathan, then excitedly shared my idea for the route.  

Let me repeat that.  I EXCITEDLY shared my idea for the route.  I was excited.  I was EXCITED!!  Truly, fully, completely excited!  I even said it out loud, "I'm excited about this!"  I thought for a moment, then said, "This is the first time I've been excited in a month."  I smiled to myself, settled back in my seat.

I'm proud of you, Love, Scott whispered to me.

I nodded.  Thank you, I offered silently.

Nathan and I chatted on the way home about everything and nothing.  When he dropped me off at my house, I sat on the back deck for a bit, thinking about the day.  One month after the worst day of my life, I had what I would consider a good day.  For the first time in a month, I had a good day.  Parts of it felt impossible.  The morning was unbearable.  I cried a lot.  And.  It was a good day.